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| We live in an age where
D/s is just beginning to peek out from under the bedroom covers. BDSM
images are rampant in music videos, TV shows, and movies. Access to scene
magazines has never been more prevalent and acceptable. Now the internet
is bringing BDSM chat rooms and web pages into our homes. Great, right?
Not necessarily... There is a fundamental problem with things we learn through the media. It's called advertising. We show what sells. We learn who our audience is and cater to their interests. In the case of D/s-related materials, the target audience is men. Videos, books, and magazines are riddled with the male masturbatory fantasy of the dominant woman. It's what sells. The center of focus in the media is the man. A man submits to a woman and what does she do? She whips him. She punishes him, she puts him in a cage! It's great aerobic exercise...but who's the subject? Who really benefits from the actions? The answer is simple and proven when you look at who buys the material. Some men (wonderful men) believe they have a real desire to be submissive. They read the books, study the literature, and whack off to the pictures of men with their tongues pressed to the sole of a woman's boot. The desire and interest in this submission is the primary image in their heads. It rules their minds. Every woman they see in the street or on TV is a potential dominatrix, capable of reading their minds and subjugating them. These men honestly believe they are submissive. However, only a handful of them truly are. There is a difference between being submissive and wanting to be out of control. The true submissive gives himself to the service of the domme...for the domme's pleasure. His fantasy needs, wants, desires and weaknesses are not in play. Only the desire to serve. The man who wants to be out of control is looking for a relationship where he can be 'done' without the power to resist. To him, the more outrageous the act he allows done to him (or he is forced to do), the more his devotion is proven. I argue this is not lifestyle submission...it is something else. From my experience, I believe this man will be happier in a scene-based relationship. His partner will certainly be happier, as this would be a lot of work for the domme to maintain over a long period of time. True submission is not about what the domme does TO the sub. It's about what the sub does FOR the domme. Some argue that the great paradox of D/s is that the submissive is really in charge. While this is true in the cases of scene-based BDSM where you're setting limits and negotiating activities over a predetermined period of time, I do NOT feel it is true in lifestyle, 24/7 D/s. Lifestyle, 24/7 D/s is about long termed relationships. I subscribe to Dr. Gini Graham Scott's definition in her book "Erotic Power" that D/s is a dynamic on top of a traditional relationship. As with any relationship, both partners are responsible for maintaining its health. In lifestyle D/s, both parties are in charge of maintaining the dynamics of the 'power exchange'.
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