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recently received an email from a man who was inquiring as to whether he
might be able to submit to me. As is WAY too often the case, he gave his
list of demands couched in the form of service to me. I've written a lot
about pseudo subs who really just want to be taken on their terms. I've
always stressed the importance of making the Domme's life easier rather
than harder and that attempting to mold the woman to your fantasy is a lot of work for her. As you might imagine, I usually dismiss these letters out of hand. Something about this writer, however, made me believe that he really didn't understand the message his unwritten words were sending. As I answered this letter, I found myself trying to help him get in touch with what he really wanted in a relationship and what his projected message was delivering. It was in writing the response that I was hit with an interesting realization. I'm sure I'm not the first to think of this, and I probably should have realized it before, but it struck me nevertheless. These guys aren't really selfish; they've simply confused Regression with Submission! What does this type of submissive say they want?
Who provides all of this in our vanilla lives? Our Mothers!!! Now, I realize that half of the readers just stopped reading. But if you honestly break it down, this is what this type of desire is about. It isn't about submission, it's about regressing back to their childhood, when decisions were easy and few, the stress of life was removed, and all their pleasure was in the hands of another whom they unconditionally loved and trusted. The well stated fact that men go to pro dommes to "escape" the pressures of reality support this. All of the bondage required in these scenes adds a physical realism to their helplessness. Helplessness, which they no longer could feel, after growing bigger and stronger than their mothers. So now I understand why some women can deal with these types of requests and I can't stand it! To a degree, many of the dominant women out there maybe feel very satisfied with this type of relationship. It may fulfill a need. Personally, I feel (I have two younger children) motherhood is a hard job! It's a lot of work (even with a live-in sub who helps me considerably). The LAST thing I want is a big dependent child. I've written about how I focus my subs on making my life easier, not harder. This is why I'm so keen on service-oriented submission. As I've defined it in other articles, submission to me is about doing FOR me, not about what I do TO the sub. It's domme-centric. I insist the sub work to please me, to strive to anticipate my needs, and to be an INDEPENDENT thinker who's sole intent is my pleasure. I don't want him to be an 'id-driven' child who awaits orders or tries to find loopholes in the house rules, or worse who disobeys to gain attention. I want him to be a man, who's secure in his desire and intelligent enough to think for himself to provide the self discipline required to serve without the threat of punishment. I'm not a vessel for his stress relief (unless I choose to be). I've found a new understanding of, and perhaps a new tolerance for, men who want to be 'done' when they're helpless. However, in my opinion, attempting to find lost childhood may well be a reasonable thing to do ... but it's not submission. Love, - Rika. |
